What the HELL do you think you’re doing?
Relax in the Safety of Your Own Delusions
Cynisacreligion and a Society for Strange People.
Pull the Wool over Your Own Eyes.
“IF YOU CAN HELP US WITH A DONATION…”
Too Much Is Always Better Than Not Enough.
by roy hemme
During a Sunday night worship service, several Church of the SubGenius members “in the spirit” pyro-flatulated, disintegrating the church’s west wall and engulfing a pick-up truck in flames. Roberto de la Rosa, a SubGenius, had walked from his pick-up just moments before.
“They’re a menace,” said Steven Mahan, a San Marcos firefighter at the scene. “Controlling time. Opening up their third nostril or whatever. Somebody’s going to get killed.”
The sherriff’s office and local citizenry concur, but the Rev. Raymond O. Bone, newly consecrated minister of the space faith, disagrees, saying the church’s activites are harmless. “Pyro-flatulation is a sporadic occurrence affecting only one member at a time. Until now we’ve only had a few singed pews.”
The Rev. Bone further explained that the Sunday night incident was the result of four “out of sync” members “enraptured by the spirit of ‘Bob.'” “Like when your car backfires,” the Rev. Bone said.
Yet, a deepening fear of the church has spurred citizens to urge the city council to prohibit SubGenius activities.
The Rev. Bone, however, remains undaunted. “The SubGenius will survive. Despite the anti-genitic sentiment, the Conspiracy will be unmasked. Praise Dobbs.”
The Church of the SubGenius / SubGenius Foundation was established in April 1978 by Dallasites Doug St. Clair Smith, Holly Spewmaster and Jargonlord, and Dr. Philo Drummond, post-human Overman first degree.
Originally a mail order Spazz-Church of Macho Irony offering End O’ the World Drills, deprogramming and resynchronization of their lust for Grins led to radio appearances, rallies opposing the busing of terrestrial Mud Drawfs to the Fourth Dimension and house-to-house seminars on Time Control.
“Time Control is the key,” said Smith. “We are able to approach prospective members at the most vulnerable point during their lifetime. We have 56,000 members in over seventeen different time continuums.”
Their goal is the total achievement of Slack. Slack, Drummond said, is the ability to screw off at will. “It’s everything the boss won’t let you do,” Smith said. “Only by developing the seventh sense of Bludgeon Humor can Slack be acquired.”
Their mission is the unmasking of the conspiracy. “JFK, the Rothschild conspiracy, the Rockefeller conspiracy, the SaucerMen from Planet X are part of an all encompassing conspiracy,” an agitated Smith explained. In 1998, the earth will be invaded by Planet X. “We’re just the Stuckey’s of outer space,” Smith said, “but they’ll be stopping by nonetheless.”
Yet the SubGenii do not stand alone against such terrifying adversaries. Overshadowing the church is the supreme Saint of Sales, J.R. “Bob” Dobbs. Dobbs, who was once shanghaied by a corporate galaxy but made off with their hubcaps, roamed the earth in the early 1950s engaging in fraudulent land deals, investing millions of dollars in buying low and selling high with the pious dignity of Ward Clever. Although no longer a terrestrial being (many, however, believe HE still keeps a penthouse in New York), “Bob” has left behind a rich legacy – Bob’s Bar and Grill, Bob’s Big Boy, a brief appearance in “20 Million Miles to Earth” and the role of Gappa the Flying Death Lizard in “Monster from a Prehistoric Planet.” HIS experiments into psychic phenomena led to the discovery of the third nostril which enable SubGenius Nostrilnaughts to sniff the spychic aura-stench of those around them, distinquishing between members and incognito minnions of the anti-bob (Aluminum People).
The profit-motivated SubGenius Foundation opened the doors of its San Marcos church in October 1980 under the guidance of the Rev. Bone. “They opposed the idea at first,” the Rev. Bone said, “claiming it was not in line with the sacred mail order doctrine of ‘Bob.'” But Smith and Drummond relented with the stipulation that the church be conducted in such a way as to glorify the name of Dobbs. “Like a floating crap game,” the Rev Bone said.
Neither Smith nor Drummond were available for comment on the San Marcos incident. “They trust my judgment,” the Rev Bone said. “They trust in the power of Dobbs to calm the situation here.”
Despite local pressure and bad press, the Rev. Bone had been signing on members at a rapid rate. “People want to know the truth,” the Rev. Bone said. “They want to be prepared for 1989, the subsequent rise of the Supersonic Aluminum Hell Creatures from the bowels of the earth and the final cosmic Buttsplit.”
Money grabbing sham? Awesome truth? Send $1 to the SubGenius Foundation, PO Box 140306, Dallas, Texas, 75214, and you will recieve a pamphlet explaining all.
Copyright 1980, The SubGenius Foundation